ich_bin_wer_ich_bin

perfekt_engel @ 2010-01-05T11:39:00

2010-01-04T22:39:40Z

I AM -
[] anorexic
[] ednos
[x] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[x] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[] participating in a fast

PEOPLE -
[used to ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[X] know I'm anorexic/bulimic

I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[X] i wish i was under 100
[x] I could avoid food
[] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[x] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[] green tea
[] diet pills
[X] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have tattoo(s).
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I had braces.
[X] I have reading glasses. But don't usually wear them.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[X] I have more than 2 piercings.
[X] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have (a few) freckles.

FAMILY
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[] I've been kicked out of the house.
[X] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I've had children.
[x] I've lost a child.

RELATIONSHIPS
[x] I'm single
[] I'm in a relationship.
[] I'm engaged.
[] I'm married.
[] I've gone on a blind date.
[x] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I've cheated in a relationship.
[] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[X] I've kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[x] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[X] I've been kissed in the rain.
[X] I've hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

BAD TIMES
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[x] I regularly drink.
[] I can't swallow pills.
[] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[X] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[] I'm addicted to self harm.
[X] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I'm at my thinnest
[] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[X] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[X] I've fainted from exhaustion

I've done:
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[] Diet pills
[] Pain killers
[X] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other

I wish I could just be happy....

2010

2009-12-31T07:38:05Z

It's new years eve, & I am struggling...struggling to breathe, to not b/p, to not drink vodka to help myself forget, to not feel sadness & loneliness to my core,....... I want more than anything to feel peace within myself & to feel joy for all that I have instead of longing for what I do not. I noticed my clothes are looser, I've gone down a bra size (if only my breast wouldn't be the first part of me that shrinks) and yet I feel fatter & bloated & horrible, maybe I'm getting my period? My skin is horrible (I have at least 2 massive pimples)

The gym is closed the next two days- not sure what to do?! I NEED to keep working out EVERYDAY, maybe I WILL buy a wii fit tomorrow?... They're so damn expensive, I guess all those gaming console thingees are, I've just never been into games so I'm not used to the prices - but I think I can justify it as an investment. Hopefully I'll sell lots online to help pay for it!

Damn it I am trying so hard, and am so terrified of purging - and yet I am itching to open the ice cream in the freezer and bread and French fries ........ Oh I dream of the relief that comes w purging... I need something to take the edge of my anxiety and terror..... I don't know what to do?! I swore I wouldn't do this to myself anymore, 2010 MUST be different!!! I WILL overcome this hideous nightmare ghat twists my thoughts and drives my destructive behaviours... I hope I wake up feeling more hopeful than I do tonight

I miss my friends :-( it's so tragic that I'm home with my kittens & puppy thinking about going to bed soon (it's only 8.33 for fucks sake) and popping a couple of sleeping pills to knock myself out - I'm scared to use up my pills tho since my doc is refusing to prescribe any more :-(

happy new year

2010 - a year for peace, a year for contentedness, a year for happiness

2009-12-25T22:29:53Z

So...I am making my new years resolution a life changing one! I WILL learn to balance my life! I WILL learn to accept and be at peace with my body! I WILL re-balance my nutrition and exercise...I WILL learn to manage my anxiety and I WILL come to terms with my past.

last night I spent most of the night terrified I was going to die...that is not how I want to live in 2010. I need to find peace and balance so that my anxiety and terror can subside. It is a cycle of nightmares, a cycle where I fall back on past habits - I refuse to do that anymore! I purged last night for the LAST time - I WILL NOT do that again, I don't care how tempting it is, I will find another way to cope.

It is scary, I AM SCARED and scarred and don't yet feel quite strong enough, but I know that my determination will help me get through this.

Bring on 2010!!!

perfekt_engel @ 2007-01-27T07:40:00

2007-01-26T18:40:57Z

You Are Most Like Gisele Bundchen

Slightly exotic and perfectly gorgeous

Which Victoria's Secret Angel Are You?

perfekt_engel @ 2007-01-27T07:37:00

2007-01-26T18:37:27Z

You Belong in the Upper West Side

You have what it takes to be successful, but not snooty.
That's why you belong in the New York of Sex and the City and Seinfeld!

Where Should Your Inner New Yorker Live?

perfekt_engel @ 2006-12-22T11:39:00

2006-12-21T22:45:43Z

Disgusting, I am. I put on 2kgs while in Melbourne, I was only there for 10days!!! I feel hopeless, like Ill never be thin. I cant even get my gym membership back cos I have no money, and Mum gave me a lovely present for christmas, the fact that they are cutting me off financially at New Years....lovely,....two months of earning just 139.50 a week - bills= approx 19.50 a week :( to pay for petrol/food/fun?haha etc. considering I spend about 50 a week on petrol alone..........well, Im screwed. At least I might lose some damn weight if I have no money for food!

I have done no work for Uni since I got back,....5 days of nothing, of hanging about doing nothing much of anything, like a zombie, I spent 7 hours curled up in bed yesterday for gods sake, reading and watching boring tv, staring out the window, waiting for the day to end knowing I had a big meeting today with my supervisor, knowing I was sposed to show him a new draft, knowing Id done nothing at all since I last saw him, KNOWING I WAS GOING TO SEND AN EMAIL SAYING I WAS TOO SICK TO COME IN..aghhhhhhhhhhh I am a failure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

perfekt_engel @ 2006-12-05T00:59:00

2006-12-05T00:59:38Z

Why is it that I allow people to treat me like I dont matter? :(

perfekt_engel @ 2006-12-03T23:46:00

2006-12-03T23:46:05Z

Your Inner European is French!

Smart and sophisticated.
You have the best of everything - at least, *you* think so.

Who's Your Inner European?

perfekt_engel @ 2006-11-26T04:59:00

2006-11-26T04:59:05Z

blah, blah, blah,....I feel so fat and disgusting, I am a whale. I need to get some control, but I just dont seem to have ANY at the moment, I am sad and depressed, and I keep crying and I just feel sooooooooooooooo ALONE. I feel like Il be alone forever sometimes, Im gonna try really hard to get back some control this week, just eat fruit/veges drink lots of lemon water. Im such a failure,....I was sposed to lose 10kgs before going to Melbourne but instead Ive gained 3kgs!!!!!!! YUCK. I better lose lose lose before new years, I really wanna be able to go to the beach this year and not feel like everyone is staring at me because Im so hideous looking. I dont know what to do, I cant be like this forever, I need to be thin, but now Im terrified if I lose more Ill have saggy flabby skin layers. I saw a terrifying documentary on tv about this woman whole lost like 200pounds and then her skin was like big ugly jello flabby folds hanging down...........it scared the shit out of me, I dont wanna look like her, I would be terrified to leave my house. Is it better to be bigger but not flabby? No. But Im scared. I cant handle it if I was to stay this fat ugly person forever. Im disgusting, I cant believe I will ever not be this way,....Im not sure I can see clearly anymore anyway....I feel bigger than I did when I was 20pounds heavier...I feel like an obese whale. Im embarrassed to be seen in public. all I want is to be able to war cute clothes and play in the summer without being paranoid about everyone staring at me and laughing, I cant handle those feelings of paranoia. I feel like everyones looking at me wondering why Im such a failure, why I have no control over myself, why I cant just lose the weight.

perfekt_engel @ 2006-10-29T08:45:00

2006-10-29T08:51:47Z

so I FUCKED AROUND all day pretty much,...went out after work last night so didnt get home till late.....and then slept again like shit, woke up feeling groggy and hungover, even though I didnt drink : ( so I spent the day in slow motion and spent 3 hours shopping!!! I bought some beautiful lingerie........white stuff too, including a see through chemise, Im hoping this will satisy Mikes nurse fantasies!!! Without me having to actually wear an unflattering nurse costume! The design of it is actually quite flattering so it wont revolt me too much to have to wear it. I need to do work so badly, so tomorrow Im running away to the beach again and I wont come back till Ive writen another 10 pages minimum. Im so behind its hideous. I hate it, I cant wait for it to be over. I feel so ugly and repulsive today. I hate feeling like this, if only I could lose this weight maybe I wouldnt feel this way!!! When I lose another 5 kilos Im gonna buy myself something nice...and before that....NO MORE shopping. I dont see how I can spend so much money I dont have on clothes I dont need and that no matter what probably make me look just as fat as my old ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

perfekt_engel @ 2006-10-27T10:28:00

2006-10-27T10:32:25Z

God I feel horrible. My 'good day' went down the drain!!!!!!!!! I ended up eating two pieces of toasy with strawberry/rhubarb jam and cheese yuck,...so then I had a huge bowl of choc chip ice cream and purged it all...again...I hate that,...I really need to quit having no self control.

THEN........I went to work for 5 hours.....just drank lemon water,....no dinner........but had a glass of wine and 2 baileys after I got home.......YUCK I feel so gross, a big tub of lard!!!! and I feel so sore after the gym today....def some muscle strain happening .........I MUST do better tomorrow.

perfekt_engel @ 2006-10-27T03:04:00

2006-10-27T03:13:39Z

Oh my god I cant believe I woke up today and I finally achieved my first STGW!!!!!!!! YaY I feel so accomplished even though I know I have SOOOOOOOOOOO far to go, it feels good to know I got here so I know I can do more.

on a sadder note I then went off to the gym did a huge work out and then came home and ate chocolate!!! So naughty I dont want to ruin what Ive done. I think I'll try not to weigh myself for a few days in case Im dissapointed tomorrow. At least I am working today and tomorrow nights so I wont be eating dinner : ) Im so undisciplined otherwise, if Im at work I cant eat and byt eh time we finish Im too tired to eat I did have two mussels yeasterday though so Ill have to try be more disciplined today...especially since Ive just pigged out all day

...
Bagel
Coffee
3 dried apricots
4 squares choc
coffee
small bread roll with chicken/lettuce/cheese
orange/apple/carrot juiced

blah so gross...I feel so full and piggy....I cant be a pig or Il expand and my blubber will multiply!!!!!!!!!!! YUCK

...on another note, .......I am terrified,...of....Halloween....Mike has become fixated on this nurse outfit that hes decided Im going to wear.............I CANT wear white!!! Ill look like a whale, how can that be a turn on??? god, I dont know what to do, how can I tell him,...If I was like 50pounds lighter Id wear it, I hate being a whale. Myabe they make it in black?

I hate my legs they are disgusting so much fat and skin yuck, the bones re way too well hidden. and my chest is horrible, I am so out of proportion Im almost an Acup now, my boobs have GONE and my rib cage is huge, I hate that you can see my bones...on the top...and all flab and fat at the bottom. Im hideous.

Youd think Id be pleased I lost a few more pounds, but Im not Im disgusted now with how horrible I still look.

perfekt_engel @ 2006-10-17T19:56:00

2006-10-17T20:00:24Z

God I am losing my mind!!! I am so stressed that I cant concentrate. I cant do anything. I just sit here stressing. Stressing about Uni....for sure....I am so worried Il never finish on time. I am scared Im gonna have wasted a whole year. Im stressed that Im not losing the weight. That no-one will want to be with me. Im stressed stressed stressed. I need to learn how to deal with my emotions. I dont know how to cope anymore. I need to get control.

perfekt_engel @ 2006-10-08T06:36:00

2006-10-08T07:02:19Z

ew I just ate the biggest plate of pasta with meat sauce....yuck....I've only eaten dinner 3 times this week. And now I feel horrible....no dinner for me tomorrow!!! I had an awesome night out last night with cocktails and dancing and live music and just everything I love in a night out (except that Mike had to work and couldnt come out) I had like three mojitos so theres probably a TON of cals in that, but it was nice to just not worry....I had told myself that having a good time was all that matters...no worrying about money and cals for a night...just enjoy. Now I kindda regret that though...the hard work begins again. Im gonna have to be MUCH stricter with myself this week. I think Il have some whole grain toast or oatmeal for breakfast so Il have lots of energy at the gym, then Juice for lunch, and hopefully no dinner-working most nights last week was great,...even though I am so starving working around food by the time we finish up, I am too tired and cant be bothered to eat, I usually just have drink and go home.....too much alcohol though : (
I do not want to et ANY fatter. I think Ill try really hard this week not to weigh myself and see if theres progress by Sunday. Im sick of being so disgusting. I totally am struggling at the moment with me, with my image and reality and all. I keep getting compliments, but I feel so ugly it makes me wanna cry, I really really want to be able to accept me, but Im not sure I ever will
my legs will always be too short and fat, my nose will always be too big, my skin too pale-but not pale enough, The only thing I love is my hair and I wont have that forever either. Hopefully when I lose another 20pounds Ill be content if not happy, I just want to be able to accept compliments gracefully without cringing and trying not to cry. It sounds retarded really considering. Im glad I get compliments but at the same time cant accept them. Im sposed to be going to a wedding in a couple of weeks,...1) I dont know what to wear 2) Im scared because I dont know these people at all (theyre Mikes friends) 3) I need to lose weight before then. aghhhhhhhhh I wish I was skinny so I didnt have these worries all the time.

perfekt_engel @ 2006-10-05T14:26:00

2006-10-05T01:34:21Z

Yuck I feel all bloaty and disgusting....It may be in part because I have skipped my period the past four times so now maybe my body is just going to force me to have one anyway. Yuck I hope not. On a positive note I have just spent almost an hour lying in the sun soaking up some happiness : ) which is good cos I was feeling a bit blah before. So now I have two hours to do some work before I go to work. I hope the parents dont come home and disyurb me since I have everything spread out on the dining room table!
My back has been hurting for like a week or so constantly I really think I may start sleeping on the floor,...my mattress on my bed is just too old and saggy, its comfy at first but I know its not good for my back...then again its as old as I am!! I dont want to buy a new one though as I dont know how long Il be in this country for! That depends on a) What happens with Mike b) whether I love Melbourne when I visit c) whether I decide to move to London/Paris/Berlin next year!!! haha well I guess no matter what Il be having a good time (although it would crush me to lose Mike,...beautiful places and new faces always seem to bring my spirits up...god I miss Europe!)
Aghhhhhhhh enough procrastinating......I MUST do some work!

perfekt_engel @ 2006-10-05T09:53:00

2006-10-04T20:57:27Z

Yay I lost what I had gained!!! its all down from here!!! I am not 'feeling' any thinner but I have been getting a lot of compliments....which I HATE cos I just dont believe it, and I feel so so so so so disgusting still.
Even when Mike says he loves my body, I just cant believe him...how could anyone love my body? Theres so much wrong with it, so much fat to lose,...I feel like Il never get there, never be good enough, never be happy,...or content with how I look. I need to exercies more, I need to lose weight, but Im scared of gaining more muscle, I already have too much muscle and too much fat : (
BUT I still have some hope, surely if other people can do it I can too!!!

perfekt_engel @ 2006-09-28T09:57:00

2006-09-27T22:04:14Z

I feel sick to my stomach, I am the most evil selfish disgusting person I know,...I cant stop making mistakes in my life, and all I wish is that I could turn back the clock rewind time and not make these massive mistakes in the first place.

Just 2 months after my disasterous drunken mess, I have created another one,...poor Mike he always witnesses these massive fuck ups. I really want to change this behavior, I never EVER want him to have to witness such a disgusting repulsive drunken display, 3/4 of a bottle of vodka that I dont even remember drinking, and all when I was supposed to be supporting him when his nanna had died,...I am such a failure. And I dont remember and I blacked out again, and I am feeling horrible still,....Im surprised I didnt die. My liver must be hating me, I know my hearts not happy,...Im thinking of going to see a doc next week at school and asking for full bloods so I can check my 'health' or lack of it. All these destructive behaviours Ive indulged in over the years must surely have taken their toll.

I hate myself, and all I have done and not done when I should, why must I be such a failure???

perfekt_engel @ 2006-09-27T14:11:00

2006-09-27T02:19:40Z

oh my god, I just cant seem to help fucking my life up!!! Im so scared its always gonna be this way, that no matter what happens Il always sabotage myself. Things have been going so well recently, and then I have to go and fuck everything up. Its a never ending cycle, eat/dont eat, drink/dont drink............aghhhhhhhhhhh why is it that Im so fucked up like that....eating and drinking are supposed to be like breathing,...a normal natural part of life, but for me its always such a struggle....I manage to let go and be healthy for a while, then somehting happens and I fall to pieces, start with the fucked up eating and drink WAY too much alcohol. On Monday I ate nothing all day,...and then I drank 3/4 a bottle of vodka that I dont even remember drinking,...what a fucking mess, Mike will surely want nothing mroe to do with me,...I feel hideous, I wish I could take it back,...all of it,...all the times Ive fucked up before,...why would anyone want to be with me anyway?!

perfekt_engel @ 2006-09-24T21:03:00

2006-09-24T09:12:32Z

blah, I feel so gross, I think I must be getting sick? Im so tired, and dizzy, and headachy,...no need to be feeling that way when I ate a lot today.
Toast
Coffee
Chicken/avocado sandwich
Mango smoothie
1/4 of a papaya
bowl of fruit salad
cup of soup

I guess it was mostly healthy, but WAY too much.......aghhhh Im never going to lose this weight,...although,....I did just buy my new juicer : )
so I think a little 'juice for meals' may help. Im thinking two weeks to start. I just want to have the control without the obsession, so thats what Im aiming for, I want to be disciplined but still not freaking out and overreacting all the time.
I just have so much to do, so much to think about, and I wasted most of today taking my aunt to the airport, going shopping (yay for my new red peep toe heels!!! and going to work for a few hours. Tomorrow I MUST go to the gym, and do some school work.

perfekt_engel @ 2006-09-19T09:41:00

2006-09-18T21:50:06Z

Im feeling good today, actually feeling good. Thats such a relief, I woke up sleepy but happy. I wish I could wake up happy more often. Heres hoping the rest of the day goes well : )
Im just relieved to not be feeling miserable, and the sun is shining. I think Il write 2 more pages today on my intro. Yesterday I got 12 more participants...which is like a miracle, thats the most I have ever got in a day, normally 6 is about average. Thank god, cos Im working 3 nights this week which will cut down on the amount of times I can actually call people. I only have 57 people done so far, I need to get sooooooooooooo many more. I think realistically Ill only end up with around 150. But that would still be good. Now I just need to write, and write and write...Theres not much time left till the end of all this, and I want to have a thesis free summer...maybe actually enjoy the summer before getting a 'real job' and moving out and on with my life away from my horrible family. They make me too miserable, I wish they didnt have that power.

perfekt_engel @ 2006-09-18T10:42:00

2006-09-17T22:48:54Z

well, I am kindda getting through my 'birthday breakdown'...thanks to Mike. I was so so down on Friday, so down I could hardly get out of bed, and by the time I wet to sleep on saturday, I was back to feeling like I had some reasons to actually leave my house. My stupid family, just make me feel like shit, like I dont matter, like a failure, a great big ugly failure. I HATE that they can do that to me, someitmes I hate that Mike can make me feel good about myself, I wish I could just feel ok about me all by myself, but its like Ive been brainwashed over the years into believing all the things those people say. I still feel a bit depressed, because Im old and alone,...but I am beginning to see a little bit of hope...That things wont always be this way. so thats good. Now I just have a million things to do for uni and cant bring myself to do any of it, at the same time I KNOW I have to do it anyway....otherwise my summer will be RUINED. I want to just finish this thing and NEVER do research again!!!

perfekt_engel @ 2006-09-11T20:53:00

2006-09-11T08:55:28Z

hehe........I forgot the BEST news of the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My FANTASTIC new 313dollar sunnies.........yay for versace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay for my stinky birthday...........god I hate having birthdays, but now I have fantastic new sunnies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay for expensive designer sunglasses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

perfekt_engel @ 2006-09-11T20:49:00

2006-09-11T08:52:35Z

Aggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why does it just keep on going!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As Aileen said I had a 'strong moment' today....Im gonna try talk to Mike, and sort out his mess...hell Imgonna give him every guys dream.................if he cant commit, I will keep seeing himand keep sleeping with him, but will............TRY find someone else, god knows how,.....I dont want anyone else,...but theres no way Im gonna sit arounf hoping and trying to get him to want me if he doesnt really, honestly want to be with me. Thats just sad.

BUT, now I am scared................AGAIN...........god damn it, why is it this way,...I know its partly cos Im scared, scared hell not want me.......but more scared I guess that no one else ever will!!!

perfekt_engel @ 2006-09-07T08:58:00

2006-09-06T21:06:15Z

well, life is good-ish, I really dont know to be honest....I dont feel like crying or screaming which is nice : ) but Im not really happy either. I think this will be a good day though. even after I spent half last night with my head in the toilet! (not self inflicted either...and let me tell you scallops and spinach and tomatoes are not nice when theyve been in your stomach for 5 hours!) Actually gross as that is, its a little concerning they were there after 5 hours!? Isnt it sposed to digest in like 2-3hours? I feel surprisingly healthy today..which is great! Im going to work soon and then tonight going to see 'burn the floor' this amazing dance show, so thatl be awesome Im sure!!! Im going to try make some more ph calls...so far I only have 6 out of 200 done! aggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh it takes a long time, actually everyone I spoke to have participated, but a lot of people werent home or the numbers were wrong etc. Its a long slow process....hopefully the weekend Il get lots done, cos I will only get a couple tonight since Il only have half an hour between work and going out. and tomorrow I work late.....yay extra cash!!! Im going to buy myself a birthday pressie...hmmmm lame as it sounds I really want a juicer so I can go on some juice fasts and cleanse my system, lose some weight,....and not to mention I love juice!!! But on the other hand, It seems like a stupid present, especially since mum/dad are giving me $$$ for when I go to Melbourne in december, so I wont realy be getting presents. Anyways Im going to get ready for my day.

perfekt_engel @ 2006-09-06T09:17:00

2006-09-05T21:19:08Z

I feel gross, I havent gained any weight and yet I feel like Im blowing up every day, getting fatter and fatter and fatter. I am going to watch it closely, I really need to lose this weight. No one will ever want me if I stay this way, and Im beginning to think Mike doesnt want me anymore either. So Il be completely alone again : (