| (no subject) |
[Jan. 27th, 2007|07:40 am] |
| You Are Most Like Gisele Bundchen | 
Slightly exotic and perfectly gorgeous |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 27th, 2007|07:37 am] |
| You Belong in the Upper West Side | 
You have what it takes to be successful, but not snooty.
That's why you belong in the New York of Sex and the City and Seinfeld! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2006|11:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Disgusting, I am. I put on 2kgs while in Melbourne, I was only there for 10days!!! I feel hopeless, like Ill never be thin. I cant even get my gym membership back cos I have no money, and Mum gave me a lovely present for christmas, the fact that they are cutting me off financially at New Years....lovely,....two months of earning just 139.50 a week - bills= approx 19.50 a week :( to pay for petrol/food/fun?haha etc. considering I spend about 50 a week on petrol alone..........well, Im screwed. At least I might lose some damn weight if I have no money for food!
I have done no work for Uni since I got back,....5 days of nothing, of hanging about doing nothing much of anything, like a zombie, I spent 7 hours curled up in bed yesterday for gods sake, reading and watching boring tv, staring out the window, waiting for the day to end knowing I had a big meeting today with my supervisor, knowing I was sposed to show him a new draft, knowing Id done nothing at all since I last saw him, KNOWING I WAS GOING TO SEND AN EMAIL SAYING I WAS TOO SICK TO COME IN..aghhhhhhhhhhh I am a failure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2006|12:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
Why is it that I allow people to treat me like I dont matter? :( |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2006|11:46 pm] |
| Your Inner European is French! | 
Smart and sophisticated.
You have the best of everything - at least, *you* think so. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2006|04:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
blah, blah, blah,....I feel so fat and disgusting, I am a whale. I need to get some control, but I just dont seem to have ANY at the moment, I am sad and depressed, and I keep crying and I just feel sooooooooooooooo ALONE. I feel like Il be alone forever sometimes, Im gonna try really hard to get back some control this week, just eat fruit/veges drink lots of lemon water. Im such a failure,....I was sposed to lose 10kgs before going to Melbourne but instead Ive gained 3kgs!!!!!!! YUCK. I better lose lose lose before new years, I really wanna be able to go to the beach this year and not feel like everyone is staring at me because Im so hideous looking. I dont know what to do, I cant be like this forever, I need to be thin, but now Im terrified if I lose more Ill have saggy flabby skin layers. I saw a terrifying documentary on tv about this woman whole lost like 200pounds and then her skin was like big ugly jello flabby folds hanging down...........it scared the shit out of me, I dont wanna look like her, I would be terrified to leave my house. Is it better to be bigger but not flabby? No. But Im scared. I cant handle it if I was to stay this fat ugly person forever. Im disgusting, I cant believe I will ever not be this way,....Im not sure I can see clearly anymore anyway....I feel bigger than I did when I was 20pounds heavier...I feel like an obese whale. Im embarrassed to be seen in public. all I want is to be able to war cute clothes and play in the summer without being paranoid about everyone staring at me and laughing, I cant handle those feelings of paranoia. I feel like everyones looking at me wondering why Im such a failure, why I have no control over myself, why I cant just lose the weight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 29th, 2006|08:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
so I FUCKED AROUND all day pretty much,...went out after work last night so didnt get home till late.....and then slept again like shit, woke up feeling groggy and hungover, even though I didnt drink : ( so I spent the day in slow motion and spent 3 hours shopping!!! I bought some beautiful lingerie........white stuff too, including a see through chemise, Im hoping this will satisy Mikes nurse fantasies!!! Without me having to actually wear an unflattering nurse costume! The design of it is actually quite flattering so it wont revolt me too much to have to wear it. I need to do work so badly, so tomorrow Im running away to the beach again and I wont come back till Ive writen another 10 pages minimum. Im so behind its hideous. I hate it, I cant wait for it to be over. I feel so ugly and repulsive today. I hate feeling like this, if only I could lose this weight maybe I wouldnt feel this way!!! When I lose another 5 kilos Im gonna buy myself something nice...and before that....NO MORE shopping. I dont see how I can spend so much money I dont have on clothes I dont need and that no matter what probably make me look just as fat as my old ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2006|10:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  FAT | ] |
God I feel horrible. My 'good day' went down the drain!!!!!!!!! I ended up eating two pieces of toasy with strawberry/rhubarb jam and cheese yuck,...so then I had a huge bowl of choc chip ice cream and purged it all...again...I hate that,...I really need to quit having no self control.
THEN........I went to work for 5 hours.....just drank lemon water,....no dinner........but had a glass of wine and 2 baileys after I got home.......YUCK I feel so gross, a big tub of lard!!!! and I feel so sore after the gym today....def some muscle strain happening .........I MUST do better tomorrow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2006|03:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
Oh my god I cant believe I woke up today and I finally achieved my first STGW!!!!!!!! YaY I feel so accomplished even though I know I have SOOOOOOOOOOO far to go, it feels good to know I got here so I know I can do more.
on a sadder note I then went off to the gym did a huge work out and then came home and ate chocolate!!! So naughty I dont want to ruin what Ive done. I think I'll try not to weigh myself for a few days in case Im dissapointed tomorrow. At least I am working today and tomorrow nights so I wont be eating dinner : ) Im so undisciplined otherwise, if Im at work I cant eat and byt eh time we finish Im too tired to eat I did have two mussels yeasterday though so Ill have to try be more disciplined today...especially since Ive just pigged out all day
...
Bagel
Coffee
3 dried apricots
4 squares choc
coffee
small bread roll with chicken/lettuce/cheese
orange/apple/carrot juiced
blah so gross...I feel so full and piggy....I cant be a pig or Il expand and my blubber will multiply!!!!!!!!!!! YUCK
...on another note, .......I am terrified,...of....Halloween....Mike has become fixated on this nurse outfit that hes decided Im going to wear.............I CANT wear white!!! Ill look like a whale, how can that be a turn on??? god, I dont know what to do, how can I tell him,...If I was like 50pounds lighter Id wear it, I hate being a whale. Myabe they make it in black?
I hate my legs they are disgusting so much fat and skin yuck, the bones re way too well hidden. and my chest is horrible, I am so out of proportion Im almost an Acup now, my boobs have GONE and my rib cage is huge, I hate that you can see my bones...on the top...and all flab and fat at the bottom. Im hideous.
Youd think Id be pleased I lost a few more pounds, but Im not Im disgusted now with how horrible I still look. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|07:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
God I am losing my mind!!! I am so stressed that I cant concentrate. I cant do anything. I just sit here stressing. Stressing about Uni....for sure....I am so worried Il never finish on time. I am scared Im gonna have wasted a whole year. Im stressed that Im not losing the weight. That no-one will want to be with me. Im stressed stressed stressed. I need to learn how to deal with my emotions. I dont know how to cope anymore. I need to get control. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2006|06:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | full | ] |
ew I just ate the biggest plate of pasta with meat sauce....yuck....I've only eaten dinner 3 times this week. And now I feel horrible....no dinner for me tomorrow!!! I had an awesome night out last night with cocktails and dancing and live music and just everything I love in a night out (except that Mike had to work and couldnt come out) I had like three mojitos so theres probably a TON of cals in that, but it was nice to just not worry....I had told myself that having a good time was all that matters...no worrying about money and cals for a night...just enjoy. Now I kindda regret that though...the hard work begins again. Im gonna have to be MUCH stricter with myself this week. I think Il have some whole grain toast or oatmeal for breakfast so Il have lots of energy at the gym, then Juice for lunch, and hopefully no dinner-working most nights last week was great,...even though I am so starving working around food by the time we finish up, I am too tired and cant be bothered to eat, I usually just have drink and go home.....too much alcohol though : (
I do not want to et ANY fatter. I think Ill try really hard this week not to weigh myself and see if theres progress by Sunday. Im sick of being so disgusting. I totally am struggling at the moment with me, with my image and reality and all. I keep getting compliments, but I feel so ugly it makes me wanna cry, I really really want to be able to accept me, but Im not sure I ever will
my legs will always be too short and fat, my nose will always be too big, my skin too pale-but not pale enough, The only thing I love is my hair and I wont have that forever either. Hopefully when I lose another 20pounds Ill be content if not happy, I just want to be able to accept compliments gracefully without cringing and trying not to cry. It sounds retarded really considering. Im glad I get compliments but at the same time cant accept them. Im sposed to be going to a wedding in a couple of weeks,...1) I dont know what to wear 2) Im scared because I dont know these people at all (theyre Mikes friends) 3) I need to lose weight before then. aghhhhhhhhh I wish I was skinny so I didnt have these worries all the time. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2006|02:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  worried | ] |
Yuck I feel all bloaty and disgusting....It may be in part because I have skipped my period the past four times so now maybe my body is just going to force me to have one anyway. Yuck I hope not. On a positive note I have just spent almost an hour lying in the sun soaking up some happiness : ) which is good cos I was feeling a bit blah before. So now I have two hours to do some work before I go to work. I hope the parents dont come home and disyurb me since I have everything spread out on the dining room table!
My back has been hurting for like a week or so constantly I really think I may start sleeping on the floor,...my mattress on my bed is just too old and saggy, its comfy at first but I know its not good for my back...then again its as old as I am!! I dont want to buy a new one though as I dont know how long Il be in this country for! That depends on a) What happens with Mike b) whether I love Melbourne when I visit c) whether I decide to move to London/Paris/Berlin next year!!! haha well I guess no matter what Il be having a good time (although it would crush me to lose Mike,...beautiful places and new faces always seem to bring my spirits up...god I miss Europe!)
Aghhhhhhhh enough procrastinating......I MUST do some work! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2006|09:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
Yay I lost what I had gained!!! its all down from here!!! I am not 'feeling' any thinner but I have been getting a lot of compliments....which I HATE cos I just dont believe it, and I feel so so so so so disgusting still.
Even when Mike says he loves my body, I just cant believe him...how could anyone love my body? Theres so much wrong with it, so much fat to lose,...I feel like Il never get there, never be good enough, never be happy,...or content with how I look. I need to exercies more, I need to lose weight, but Im scared of gaining more muscle, I already have too much muscle and too much fat : (
BUT I still have some hope, surely if other people can do it I can too!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 28th, 2006|09:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
I feel sick to my stomach, I am the most evil selfish disgusting person I know,...I cant stop making mistakes in my life, and all I wish is that I could turn back the clock rewind time and not make these massive mistakes in the first place.
Just 2 months after my disasterous drunken mess, I have created another one,...poor Mike he always witnesses these massive fuck ups. I really want to change this behavior, I never EVER want him to have to witness such a disgusting repulsive drunken display, 3/4 of a bottle of vodka that I dont even remember drinking, and all when I was supposed to be supporting him when his nanna had died,...I am such a failure. And I dont remember and I blacked out again, and I am feeling horrible still,....Im surprised I didnt die. My liver must be hating me, I know my hearts not happy,...Im thinking of going to see a doc next week at school and asking for full bloods so I can check my 'health' or lack of it. All these destructive behaviours Ive indulged in over the years must surely have taken their toll.
I hate myself, and all I have done and not done when I should, why must I be such a failure??? |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 27th, 2006|02:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
oh my god, I just cant seem to help fucking my life up!!! Im so scared its always gonna be this way, that no matter what happens Il always sabotage myself. Things have been going so well recently, and then I have to go and fuck everything up. Its a never ending cycle, eat/dont eat, drink/dont drink............aghhhhhhhhhhh why is it that Im so fucked up like that....eating and drinking are supposed to be like breathing,...a normal natural part of life, but for me its always such a struggle....I manage to let go and be healthy for a while, then somehting happens and I fall to pieces, start with the fucked up eating and drink WAY too much alcohol. On Monday I ate nothing all day,...and then I drank 3/4 a bottle of vodka that I dont even remember drinking,...what a fucking mess, Mike will surely want nothing mroe to do with me,...I feel hideous, I wish I could take it back,...all of it,...all the times Ive fucked up before,...why would anyone want to be with me anyway?! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 24th, 2006|09:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
blah, I feel so gross, I think I must be getting sick? Im so tired, and dizzy, and headachy,...no need to be feeling that way when I ate a lot today.
Toast
Coffee
Chicken/avocado sandwich
Mango smoothie
1/4 of a papaya
bowl of fruit salad
cup of soup
I guess it was mostly healthy, but WAY too much.......aghhhh Im never going to lose this weight,...although,....I did just buy my new juicer : )
so I think a little 'juice for meals' may help. Im thinking two weeks to start. I just want to have the control without the obsession, so thats what Im aiming for, I want to be disciplined but still not freaking out and overreacting all the time.
I just have so much to do, so much to think about, and I wasted most of today taking my aunt to the airport, going shopping (yay for my new red peep toe heels!!! and going to work for a few hours. Tomorrow I MUST go to the gym, and do some school work. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2006|09:41 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
Im feeling good today, actually feeling good. Thats such a relief, I woke up sleepy but happy. I wish I could wake up happy more often. Heres hoping the rest of the day goes well : )
Im just relieved to not be feeling miserable, and the sun is shining. I think Il write 2 more pages today on my intro. Yesterday I got 12 more participants...which is like a miracle, thats the most I have ever got in a day, normally 6 is about average. Thank god, cos Im working 3 nights this week which will cut down on the amount of times I can actually call people. I only have 57 people done so far, I need to get sooooooooooooo many more. I think realistically Ill only end up with around 150. But that would still be good. Now I just need to write, and write and write...Theres not much time left till the end of all this, and I want to have a thesis free summer...maybe actually enjoy the summer before getting a 'real job' and moving out and on with my life away from my horrible family. They make me too miserable, I wish they didnt have that power. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2006|10:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
well, I am kindda getting through my 'birthday breakdown'...thanks to Mike. I was so so down on Friday, so down I could hardly get out of bed, and by the time I wet to sleep on saturday, I was back to feeling like I had some reasons to actually leave my house. My stupid family, just make me feel like shit, like I dont matter, like a failure, a great big ugly failure. I HATE that they can do that to me, someitmes I hate that Mike can make me feel good about myself, I wish I could just feel ok about me all by myself, but its like Ive been brainwashed over the years into believing all the things those people say. I still feel a bit depressed, because Im old and alone,...but I am beginning to see a little bit of hope...That things wont always be this way. so thats good. Now I just have a million things to do for uni and cant bring myself to do any of it, at the same time I KNOW I have to do it anyway....otherwise my summer will be RUINED. I want to just finish this thing and NEVER do research again!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2006|08:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frivolous | ] |
hehe........I forgot the BEST news of the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My FANTASTIC new 313dollar sunnies.........yay for versace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay for my stinky birthday...........god I hate having birthdays, but now I have fantastic new sunnies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay for expensive designer sunglasses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 11th, 2006|08:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
Aggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why does it just keep on going!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As Aileen said I had a 'strong moment' today....Im gonna try talk to Mike, and sort out his mess...hell Imgonna give him every guys dream.................if he cant commit, I will keep seeing himand keep sleeping with him, but will............TRY find someone else, god knows how,.....I dont want anyone else,...but theres no way Im gonna sit arounf hoping and trying to get him to want me if he doesnt really, honestly want to be with me. Thats just sad.
BUT, now I am scared................AGAIN...........god damn it, why is it this way,...I know its partly cos Im scared, scared hell not want me.......but more scared I guess that no one else ever will!!! |
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